Next Journey

I sat in my darkened car outside of Lifetime Fitness. It was almost 9 PM EST. The high school swimmers were almost done. I dreaded going in to fight for a swim lane. I just needed to close my eyes and chill for a few more minutes. I was still tired even though I had taken a nap earlier. No matter how tired I ever was there usually no going back. Just a few more minutes.

The shock of the coldness of the water was what I was waiting for. Cold icy bath is what used to recover athletes as well as depressives. The cadence of my swimming strokes is what I rely on to swim feverishly.

Diebenkorn is just so beautiful and elegant. Flat but not really flat. Intellectually yet raw in a primal sense. Quietly colorful. So brilliant as example of being. No idea until Frank told me that he was from SF which now makes so much sense. The form resolution is just perfect. The geometry of the divisions is what making it work. The large blue mass is toning down just right along w the yellow (lemon?) anchoring the space. Frank is just a brilliant teacher because he tells it for what he sees. This is what awaiting me @Del Mar beach. I probably will add some gestures as homage to NE angst.

I was a little bit terrified leaving the trees but I am not anymore. Isabelle just said that she thinks of my painting while playing Moonlight Sonata. Made me feel good. Or when I throw 20 lbs medicine ball at Oliver during our workout. With all the loves in my life why should I be frightened anymore. My next journey w Han. The feelings envelop me more than ever just like the water cutting thru my large mass seamlessly.

The echo of my past fears lives in disguise inside me. I hate that Frank could see thru me w my all hidden angers. I haven't decided to not say goodbye to him yet. Like everything else best to let things just slip by. Let the memories be what remains. Painters are all impersonal anyway. We all serve a higher cause beyond the personal. That was what Xéna had taught me. Always and still a hard lesson. One that I am fully capable of.